Castles in the Air
by DeadPigeon
Summary: A humorously dark and twisted retelling of classic fairy tales, fables, nursery rhymes and childrens stories using our favorite characters as stand-ins!**WARNING: Some stories may be cute and fluffy!** A Collection of one shots.
1. The Three Little Pigs

**The Three Little Pigs**

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The first pig, named Esposito, was a swarthy  
>Duroc that lived in East Harlem. The second pig, a small yet feisty Tamworth named Ryan,<br>lived in the Irish Catholic neighborhood of Woodlawn in the Bronx. And the third, called  
>Beckett, was a wild Russian hog that lived wherever the hell she pleased.<p>

Though they all lived separately, they spent most of their days together in the same pen,  
>and over the years had developed a close bond. So, when a lone wolf named Castle appeared<br>on the scene, they quickly closed ranks to keep the predator from insinuating himself into  
>their lives.<p>

"That Napoleon the mayor may be in charge of this Animal Farm," Beckett commented, "…but  
>that doesn't mean Castle gets an all access pass to us."<p>

"Yeah," Ryan agreed. "I'll work with Castle, but I won't be friends with him."

"Research my ass." Esposito swore. "That wolf has only one thing on his mind, and it ain't  
>research. I've caught him leering at Beckett on more than one occasion."<p>

"Don't worry about me; I can take care of myself." She said firmly.

"I know that. I was just wondering if Ryan and I should take him out behind the barn and have  
>a talk with him, if you know what I mean."<p>

"While I'm sure Farmer Montgomery wouldn't mind us laying into Castle, he still has to answer  
>to the mayor, so no, no talk behind the barn, for now. Just stick to the plan of freezing him out;<br>with time, he'll get frustrated with us and go looking for easier pickins."

And so it came to pass that day after day, they worked with Castle, but did not let him into their  
>lives, at least not until six month down the proverbial road.<p>

…..

Castle knew that being a lone wolf put him at a three to one disadvantage. Luckily for him though,  
>being a wolf put him at the apex of the food chain and thus evened the odds. Wolves hunt by<br>wearing down their prey, and the larger the animal just meant a more prolonged chase. Patience  
>was a game he was determined to win. So he listened, watched, and waited while he planned.<p>

…..

It was an uneventful weekend in March when his chance came. A package he had been waiting for  
>finally arrived via courier service; it was the last piece to his patiently crafted plan.<p>

It was seven thirty on a Friday night and Ryan found his evening being disrupted by someone pounding  
>on his front door. He tried to ignore it as he was well into a multiplayer game of Halo 2 on Xbox live and<br>didn't want to stop. The pounding became more insistent. Exiting the game, he cursed as he rose from  
>the well worn couch that bore a permanent impression of his ass. Empty Guinness bottles scattered as<br>he stumbled over them on his way to answer the door. With the instinctive caution of a prey animal, he  
>looked out the peephole. It was a good thing he did; he saw Castle standing on the other side of the door.<p>

"Ryan, let me in!" He called out as he pounded some more.

"Go away!" Ryan hollered back.

"Come on, let me in. I brought beer!"

Ryan saw him hold a case of Guinness up to the peephole.

"I got plenty of beer in my fridge, I don't need yours!" He lied with some difficulty as the last of his  
>beer now resided in his bladder.<p>

"Yeah, but do you have Madden 08 or Halo 3?" Rick enticed him, holding up his one true weakness  
>to the peephole..<p>

The front door flew open and the games were snatched from his hand with a quickness Castle didn't  
>know pigs possessed.<p>

"Wow, how'd you get these? They aren't due out for another six months or more." Ryan asked as a  
>foamy froth of excitement began to form at corners of his mouth.<p>

Castle snatched the games back just as quickly.

"Wouldn't you like to know," he teased.

The crestfallen look on Ryan's face had Castle chuckling inwardly at how easy this was going to be.

"So, do you want to try them out?"

"Hell yeah! Come on in."

Castle crossed the threshold and took in his surroundings. Ryan's apartment was the proverbial bachelor  
>pad. Sparse mismatch furniture all centered around an oversized television. Dirty clothes and discarded<br>food containers seemed to be the apartment's only decorations.

"Nice place," Castle commented. "What's it made of, straw?"

"Hey!" Ryan's heritage quickly had him on the defensive again. "What's wrong with straw?" "It was good  
>enough for my father, his father, and his father's father so why shouldn't it be good enough for me?"<p>

"Hold up, I'm not criticizing, I'm just asking. I live in a den just like my ancestors did."

"Some den," Ryan smirked. "A high class top of the line swanky den."

"That's true. But look, I'm not here to discuss the current issue of Architectural Digest or Better Homes and  
>Gardens, I'm here to play some bootleg games with a friend. Are you up for that or not?"<p>

"Bring it on, dude!" He grabbed the cases from Castle again and began to load Madden 08 into the system.  
>He was so distracted by the new game her never saw Castle as he reached up to wipe away some saliva<br>that was dripping from his chin.

"I'll just put these beers in your fridge then. Do you want one?" Castle asked.

"Nah." Ryan replied as he offhandedly waved him towards the opposite side of the room.

He stood there facing three closed doors, so he had to choose. He started by opening the one on the far  
>left. It turned out to be the bedroom.<p>

'_More like a pigpen.' _Castle thought as the sight and smell from the room affronted his senses.

The middle door opened to reveal a bathroom. The mold and scum in, on and around the tub had Castle  
>shaking his head<em>. 'Disgusting wallow is more like it."'<em>

The third door led him into the kitchen. It was no larger than a closet with a fridge, stove and no cabinet  
>space. He opened the fridge and had to remove an empty beer case from the shelf in order to put his inside.<p>

"Lying bastard." Castle mumbled as he pulled himself a beer from the new case and headed back into the  
>living room. He stood in the doorway and watched as Ryan cleared a spot on the couch for him to sit.<p>

"You ready to get your ass kicked?" Ryan taunted as he held out a wireless controller.

Castle polished off the beer in two huge swallows and grabbed the controller.

"Bring it on."

He gave Ryan his best toothy grin as he made his was over to the couch and they both settled in as the  
>game began.<p>

…..

Three hours of intense play later left Castle frustrated that the game was tied. It's not that he didn't enjoy  
>playing, he liked a good challenge, but he just didn't see any reason to delay the inevitable.<p>

"Hey Ryan, pause the game; I need a break."

"Sure, I could use one too," Ryan replied hitting the pause button. "I think I'll have one of those beers you  
>brought. You want one?"<p>

"Sure," Castle said, casually stretching as he stood up. "You got anything to snack on?"

"Let me grab those beers and I'll see what I've got."

Ryan headed into the kitchen and opened the fridge. The light from the tiny bulb inside cast an ominous glow  
>into the darkened kitchen that spilled out the door and into the living room.<p>

It was the sign Castle had been waiting for.

Ryan squatted down and grabbed two beers from the case and then began poking around inside for something  
>good enough to offer his guest.<p>

"I've got some ears of corn and a half eaten bucket of slop in the fridge," he called out. Or if you'd prefer, I  
>have a variety of flavored feed pellets in the cupboard. The spicy Cajun ones are my favorite."<p>

Ryan was startled when Castle's reply came from just the other side of the refrigerator door.

"Well, I don't care for any of that stuff. I prefer my snacks a little raw and bloody."

Ryan felt his stomach sink as he looked up and saw Castle's dilated eyes and bared teeth hovering just feet  
>above him.<p>

"Ah, shit."

He never even had time to squeal.

….

Castle made a quick stop back at his den to shower and change. The night was still young and he had one  
>more task to accomplish. It was near midnight when he arrived at Esposito's apartment. The place was dark,<br>so he pounded on the front door until the porch light came on.

"Who is it?" Esposito grunted angrily through the door.

"It's Castle!"

"What do you want?"

"I want to come in!"

"It's late, go away!"

Esposito switched off the porch light off to end the conversation.

Aww, come on!" Castle whined. "Just for a minute, I need your help with something!"

There was a long pause, and he wasn't sure if Esposito was still there until he heard his muffled reply.

"What could you possibly need my help with?"

"I need you to drive my Ferrari!" Castle baited his reply.

The door flew open.

"You need me to what?"

"Drive my Ferrari," Castle said again as he dangled a set of keys in front of his face.

Esposito's eyes went wide when he saw the red sports car over Castle's left shoulder parked out in front of  
>his home. He quickly snatched the keys.<p>

"Why didn't you say that in the first place, come on in!"

Castle crossed the threshold and carefully observed his surroundings. It was different than the pigpen Ryan  
>was living in. This place was clean and had a fair sense of decorum about it.<p>

"Nice place you got here," Castle said as he rapped on one of the sturdy walls. "What's it made of?"

"Sticks." Esposito replied.

"Not straw?" Castle questioned.

"Nah, that's old school. Sticks are a lot sturdier, less maintenance. With straw you always have to repair  
>sections because of leaks or mold and a good wind storm can bring one down in a matter of seconds.<br>Sticks are both inexpensive and durable."

"Good choice." Castle replied.

"Thanks, let me go get changed so we can hit the road."

"Ok, I'll wait here." Castle watched Esposito walk away and smiled as he opened a door at the end of the hallway.

'_Perfect.'_ He thought.

He waited a moment before he followed, stealthily creeping down the hallway towards the bedroom door.

He was startled when a door to his right flew open and he found himself staring up at an angry four hundred  
>pound wild boar.<p>

"Are you the one pounding on the door waking me up?"

"Uh, sorry." Castle apologized as the boar backed him up against the wall in the hallway. His hackles instinctively  
>began to rise.<p>

"What are you doing?" He bellowed.

"I…umm…I'm looking for the bathroom."

Esposito had heard the commotion in the hallway and quickly left his bedroom to insinuate himself between  
>Castle and the boar before things could get ugly.<p>

"Hold on guys," he pushed them apart. "Bruno, sorry we woke you, go back to bed," he said giving the hulk  
>a push back into his bedroom. "Castle, the bathroom is the next door down on the left," he nodded over<br>his shoulder.

Castle hurried to the bathroom to help defuse the situation. Safely inside, he took a moment to compose  
>himself. He mopped his sweaty brow with a hand towel he found hanging by the sink. '<em>So much for plan A,'<br>_he thought. It was a good thing he was nothing if not careful; he would have to switch to plan B. Flushing  
>the toilet for cover, he poked his head out the bathroom door and found the hallway empty. He hurried<br>back to the living room and stood impatiently by the front door while he waited for Esposito. He heard the  
>bedroom door open and close a few minutes later.<p>

"Sorry about that, bro." Esposito apologized.

"Who is that guy, your own personal bouncer?"

Esposito chuckled. "You're half right. Bruno is my roommate. He's a part time bouncer and full time student  
>and weightlifter at NYU."<p>

"Ah, that explains his massive size. So, you ready to hit the road?"

"Yeah, but I do have one question."

"What is it?"

"Why me?"

"What do you mean, why me?" Castle asked as he shifted nervously.

"Why do you need me to drive your car? Can't you just drive it yourself?"

"Well, that's the problem." He said rubbing the back of his neck. "I really shouldn't have driven it over here."

"Why not?"

"Because my license is suspended."

"What! Why?"

"For speeding."

"They don't usually suspend your license for speeding, you just pay a fine. How fast were you going?"

"They said I was going 140mph, but I don't believe them."

"I don't know," Esposito replied. "You get that thing out on the freeway and you can easily hit 140."

"I was downtown."

"What?"

"That's what _I_ said."

"Still, to suspend you license for one lousy ticket…"

"It was the tenth one."

"Tenth!"

"In two months." Castle raised his eyebrows and grinned sheepishly, or a least tried to.

"Dude, I'm surprised you're not in jail."

"It's usually not a problem, the Badger, Judge Marquoitz is a golf buddy of mine, and he usually just slaps  
>me with a fine, but last month some hunter shot and killed his brother- in-law and he had to attend the<br>funeral the day of my court date. The replacement judge was some wet behind the ears, biased Ewe who  
>had it in for me from the start. Hell, if my lawyer hadn't of been there she would have had me in jail, I kid<br>you not."

"Jeez, sorry to hear that."

"Anyway, the Ferrari needs to be driven at least once a month, they go to crap mechanically if they just sit,  
>and I don't want to let just anyone drive it. I remembered overhearing you and Ryan talking about your<br>favorite cars and I recalled that the Ferrari was your favorite. So here I am, asking you to drive my car."

"Wow, I don't know what to say."

"Thanks, is enough. And, if I like the way you handle her tonight, I'll let you drive her a couple of time  
>a month till I get my license back. How's that sound?"<p>

"That sounds awesome. Thanks Castle; I mean it bro."

"Come on, enough talk, let's go!" He grabbed Esposito by his coat and pulled him out the door.

….

After giving Esposito quick orientation, he let him pull the powerful machine out onto the street. It took  
>a few blocks before he mastered the clutch and the responsive steering, and they could both feel the car<br>straining to excel itself over the speed limit.

"We're gonna have to take her out of town so you can open her up. I know the quickest way with the  
>fewest lights, you might even get her up to eighty while we're still downtown, just turn when I tell you to."<p>

Esposito looked at him waringly.

"Trust me." Castle replied to his look.

They sped through three green lights and one close yellow before Castle spoke.

"Turn left at the next light, you'll be able to catch four more green lights if you get her up to at least  
>seventy and keep her there."<p>

Esposito downshifted as he made the turn and quickly accelerated to seventy as they flew through  
>the next succession of green lights.<p>

"Next light take a right, keep it around sixty through four more lights and then take another right."

The four lights went by quickly.

"When you take this right, open her up. You'll have twelve green lights before you catch a red. This  
>may be where they clocked me doin' a hundred and forty." Castle smirked at Esposito.<p>

He just laughed and floored it after he made the turn. He came close to hitting 100mph when Castle  
>announced the next turn.<p>

"Twelfth light coming up, take another right!" He had to yell over the roar of the engine.

Esposito had so lost himself in the power of the car that he never realized Castle was directing him  
>in a circle, and not out of town. At the next right they found themselves on a road that was under<br>construction.

"Aw, crap," said Esposito as he downshifted to just under forty.

"I know a shortcut; take the alley coming up on your left."

"An alley? Are you crazy?"

"You'll fit, trust me."

He made the sharp turn, squeezed passed a sleeping wino, a couple of dumpsters and possibly ran  
>over a cat before he had to come to a sudden screeching halt.<p>

His knuckles were white with a death grip on the steering wheel.

"What the hell!" He panted. "This is a dead end! You could have killed us both!"

"Nah," Castle replied casually. "Only one of us is dying tonight."

"Oh shit," said Esposito, as he kept his gaze fixed on the graffiti covered wall before him.

"Funny," Castle remarked as he leaned towards the driver's seat. "That's the last thing you buddy Ryan  
>said to me just a few hours ago."<p>

The car lurched forward and bumped the brick wall when Esposito's foot slipped off the clutch.

…..

Castle slept most of the day away Sunday. The encore to his sinisterly crafted plan was not set to begin  
>till later in the evening.<p>

…..

Six thirty Sunday evening found Castle all dandied up standing outside Beckett's door loaded down with  
>an arsenal of offerings. One, if not all, would surely get him invited inside. He held his breath and firmly<br>knocked on her door. He exhaled sharply and dropped everything but the wine bottle as the door was  
>thrown open and a .44 was shoved into his face.<p>

"Jesus, Castle! What are you doing here?" Beckett berated him.

"I brought you some wine," he managed to squeak out as he held up the bottle for protection.

She lowered the gun to her side as she replied.

"I have my own wine, thank you."

"Yes, but is it a $900 dollar bottle of Chateau Petrus, or is it a five dollar bottle of Le Puke from the grocery  
>store?"<p>

Beckett laughed and shook her head. "Thank you anyway, but no thank you."

"Hang on, there's more." He reached down to the pile at his feet. "I also have the movie _300,_ just released  
>today. What woman can resist watching a bunch of buff guys running around wearing nothing but short<br>skirts for two hours?" He raised his eyebrows hoping she'd take the bait.

"Sorry Castle, I was planning on a book and a bath tonight."

"Aww, come on, I even brought you a choice of microwave popcorn or ice cream to have with the movie."  
>He held up two more bags from off the floor.<p>

"What flavor of ice…no, no. I haven't had dinner."

"It's Chocolate, chocolate chip if you must know, and just so you know, I also brought dinner." He picked  
>up the last two bags on the floor.<p>

"I've got some corn, a bucket of slop, and some Cajun spice pellets that a friend of mine insists are very tasty."

"Stop." Beckett said.

"What?"

"I said stop."

"Why?"

"You had me at slop. Come in." She motioned him into her apartment with the gun in her hand.

"Could you maybe…?" He nodded his head at the gun.

"Oh, sorry." She slid the gun back into the desk drawer by the door and turned back to help him with his packages.

She took the food bags from him and headed into the kitchen. Castle took the wine and movie over to the  
>couch and set them both down on the coffee table.<p>

"Nice place. You like brick I see."

"Yeah, I grew up in a brick house, so I stick with what I know."

"Do you want some of this wine with your food?"

"Sure," she said, opening a cabinet and pulling out two wine glasses. "You're not eating?" She asked as she  
>handed him the glasses.<p>

"Sorry, I've already eaten. The food is all for you."

"Thanks, I haven't eaten yet and I'm starving. I was just about to order Chinese when you showed up. It's  
>been weeks since I've had any good slop. I've been living on take out for the last couple of weeks and I'm<br>sick of it. You couldn't have brought this over at a more perfect time." She pulled the lid off the large tub  
>of slop and sniffed.<p>

"Wow, this smells great, where'd you get it?"

"Oh, uh…friend of mine; owns a vegetarian restaurant. He's always going on about his slop, so I thought  
>I'd bring you some."<p>

She ladled up a generous portion into a large bowl and popped it into the microwave while Castle turned  
>his attentions to pouring them some wine. When her meal was warmed she joined him on the couch. He<br>watched a she stuck her snout in the bowl and had it emptied and licked clean in a matter of minutes.

"You mind if I have some more?"

"Like I said, It's all for you."

He watched as she sashayed into the kitchen.

'_Damn.' _What was it about her that turned him on,and had since they'd first met, he wondered.  
>'<em>Looks like I'm having dessert before dinner tonight.'<em>

When Beckett turned back towards the living room with her second helping she couldn't help but notice  
>the amorous leer in Castles eyes and she felt herself blush from head to toe. There was something about<br>his look that drove her crazy at times.

He stood as she sat.

"I'll just pop in the movie while you finish eating," he said as he headed over to her dvd player.

"_No, not that!' _Her mind screamed. She didn't know if she'd be able to control herself around him after  
>watching two hours of mind numbing beefcake.<p>

"Sure, go ahead." Her polite manners spoke.

Twenty minutes into the movie she noticed that he was now sitting a lot closer to her than he had been.  
>'<em>When did he move?' <em>She also noticed that he had kept refilling her wine glass while his remained half full.

"How about some popcorn?" She asked him as a much needed distraction.

"Sure." He said, pausing the movie.

She returned minutes later with a large bowl of freshly popped pop corn and set it down on the couch  
>between them as a barrier.<p>

He noticed, but said nothing. Resuming the movie, they watched and ate in silence.

It was during the intense finale of the movie that it happened, skin on skin contact as they both reached  
>for the popcorn bowl at the same time. They both found it electrifying. Eye contact was made and they<br>quickly found themselves locked into a passionate embrace, all teeth and tongues, froth and foam.  
>Their unbridled passion sent them crashing from the couch to the floor. The fall broke the spell.<p>

"Wow, that was…"

"Amazing." Castle finished her sentence.

"I didn't think…I've never…" She was overcome for words.

"What? Been with anyone outside your own species before?"

"No." She blushed.

"I'm sorry," he apologized as he started to back away. "I didn't mean to…"

"No, it's ok," she replied as she stood and started backing away.

She kept going until her progress was stopped by a closed door. She placed her hand on the doorknob.

"We'll be more comfortable in the bedroom." She grunted as she opened the door.

Castle pounced and was standing before her with a single leap. They wrestled off each others clothing  
>on the way over to the bed. They fell upon her extra large king sized bed as they each fought for<br>dominance. Castle managed to take charge as the lovemaking began. They were both amazed and  
>excited by their differences.<p>

She has never been licked from head to toe before and his fur, she had never felt such soft wondrous  
>fur before, and it was evreywhere she touched, and… <em>'Oh my God! What was he doing now?'<em>

Castle was holding her down by the back of her neck with his teeth as he gave her what she desired. He  
>couldn't believe he had waited so long. She had been right. He had no idea. He had no idea that as her<br>body heated during their lovemaking, she would smell so… wonderful!

"Bacon." He murmured.

"What?" She replied, and he felt her body stiffen beneath him.

He had to cover quickly.

"I said _makin'_, you're makin' me crazy!" He let go of her neck and nuzzled her ear.

"You drive me wild too, especially when you hold me by the back of the neck like you were doing."

"Oh, you like that do you?"

"Oh yeah."

He grabbed her neck with his teeth again and he soon had her writhing in ecstasy. Her loud squeals of  
>delight soon sent him over the edge and as they collapsed, exhausted, into one another, he wondered<br>what the neighbors must think.

Castle awoke an hour later when Beckett sleepily rolled her girth off him. He sat up on the edge of the  
>bed and started to rummage around in her nightstand. He was checking for any hidden weapons before he<br>executed the rest of his plan. He was startled when the light on the opposite night stand was switched on.

"What are you looking for?" She mumbled sleepily.

"I was looking for a cigarette."

"I didn't know you smoked?"

"I don't, not really. It's just something I do after…"

"Ah." She replied knowingly.

"Just something left over from my younger days."

"You might find something in the second drawer down. They were left in there by my last boyfriend; you  
>can take them if you want."<p>

"I just need the one," he said pulling open the drawer. He found the cigarettes and even a lighter. He  
>closed the drawer and pulled himself back onto the bed, leaning onto the pillows that were piled against<br>the headboard. He lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply before he made a pointed comment.

"I'm surprised you don't keep a gun in there."

"I don't keep one in the bedroom," she replied.

"Why not?"

"No one will ever get past the one I keep by the front door."

"Too true," he replied.

"So…," he gave her a toothy grin, "…was it everything you expected?"

"It was all that and then some," she replied as she shifted her weight around, she pulled herself along side him  
>and snuggled her face into his furry chest.<p>

"You're not going to say I got you drunk and took advantage of you, are you?" Castle asked.

"With my fat to lean muscle ratio, it would take about two and a half gallons of that fancy wine you were  
>trying to ply me with tonight to get me drunk."<p>

"Well then, what are we going to do about us?"

She was mortified.

"Nobody can know about this," she begged. "They wouldn't understand, especially the guys at work."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about the guys anymore," he said offhandedly.

"What?" She asked as she sat up in bed, unsure of what she'd just heard.

'I'm sorry," he replied as he looked up into the fear growing in her eyes.

"It's my nature," he said with no emotion.

He loved watching the fear and the realization of imminent death as it played in his victim's eyes. Only this time,  
>there was something slightly different in her eyes. He had never seen it before and he didn't quite know what<br>it was.

"I'm sorry too," she replied as she leaned forward, reaching up to brush a few strands of hair from his eyes  
>before placing a soft kiss upon his lips.<p>

"Why are you sorry?" He asked reaching up to wipe away a tear that had slipped down her cheek.

"Because I lied about keeping a gun in the bedroom."

She pulled a .38 from beneath the pillows. He heard the click of the gun being cocked and felt the coldness  
>of the barrel as she pressed it against his temple.<p>

His eyes dilated and his lips drew back, and she thought she heard him whisper the words _'Oh shit',  
><em>right before she pulled the trigger.


	2. Little Miss Muffet

**Little Miss Muffett**

Beckett arrived at her desk at six o'clock Monday morning to find Castle sitting in his  
>chair and a large cup of coffee sitting on her desk. As she drew closer she saw that<br>he was engrossed in reading a small book.

"Morning." She said as she removed her jacket and slid it around the back of her chair.

"Mornin'," he mumbled back.

"What's so fascinating about that book?" She asked as she reached for her cup of coffee.

"Huh?" He replied, finally acknowledging her presence as he looked her in the eyes.

"I said, what's so fascinating about that book?"

"Oh, this. I'm donating the old minivan that I used to drive when Alexis was little to a  
>woman's shelter, it's been in storage for years because I could never bring myself to<br>part with it. Alexis found out I still had it the other day and she said I needed to let it go."

"And what's that got to do with the book?"

"Oh! this, I found it between the seats when I was cleaning it out. It used to be Alexis'  
>favorite story book when she was little. It's a book of all the classic nursery rhymes."<p>

"Nursery rhymes, huh. Aren't those a little dated?"

"No! Not the way I used to read them to her."

"And how was that?"

"I would have her pretend she was the main character as I read aloud. It made them  
>more fun and or creepier depending on which one it was."<p>

"Really?"

"Yes, really. You want to try it?"

"What, pretending I'm in a nursery rhyme? No thanks, I've got stuff to do."

"You're chicken!"

"What?"

"You heard me, chic-ken."

"No I'm not, I'm busy."

"Detective Beckett, I know for a fact that you have nothing to do this morning. You forget,  
>I was here last night when you finished all your paperwork."<p>

_Damn, he had her!_

Looking around at the empty bullpen, she relented.

"Fine, let's do this."

"Relax. It's not like you're not acting out some kinky sexual fantasy of mine, as much as I would  
>enjoy seeing that, you're just imagining yourself being in the nursery rhyme as I read it."<p>

She just rolled her eyes and leaned back into her chair.

"Go on." she prompted.

"Fine, I'll read a quick one so you won't be too put out." He flipped through the book till he found  
>the one he wanted.<p>

"_**Little Miss Muffett."**_

"I'm not a little miss anything." Kate commented.

"It's just the title of the nursery rhyme." Castle said shaking his head.

"_**Little Miss Muffet  
><strong>__**S**__**at on a tuffet,…"**_

"What's a tuffett?" Kate interrupted

"What's it matter?"

'Well, if I'm going to be sitting on it, I'd like to know what _it _is."

"Fine, it's a small round footstool entirely covered in fabric, ok?"

"Good to know," she replied as a slight smile played across her lips.

He started again.

"_**Little Miss Muffett  
><strong>__**Sat on a tuffet,  
><strong>__**Eating her curds and whey…"**_

"Curds and whey? What the hell is curds and whey?" She blurted out.

He looked up from the book and sighed.

"It's a lot like cottage cheese, only it tastes worse."

"I hate cottage cheese, so why the hell would I eat something that tastes even worse?"

"This isn't real, you know. It's i-mag-i-nary." He spoke slowly to get his point across.

"I know. I'm just trying to be involved in the action."

"What action, you keep interrupting," he mumbled.

"Hey!"

"So, where was I?"

"You were forcing me to eat something disgusting," she smirked.

He just shook his head and started over, again.

"_**Little Miss Muffet  
><strong>__**Sat on her tuffet,  
><strong>__**Eating her curds and whey;  
><strong>__**Along came a spider, **_(that looked a lot like a tarantula)

He quickly added the last line, as he arched an eyebrow and smirked back at her.

_**Who sat down beside her  
><strong>__**And frightened Miss Muffet away.**_

"There," he said closing the book. "All done!"

Kate leaned forward and rested her elbows on her desk as she took a hard look at Castle.

"Now why would I be scared of something that I have a 1:1500 size ratio advantage over?  
>I could either, pick it up, place a cup over it, squash it, or if I felt really threatened, I could<br>just shoot it."

He held her gaze for a moment before he slipped the book into his jacket pocket.

"You know what Detective, you take the fun out of everything," he scowled.

"How can you say that?" She sipped at her coffee to keep from laughing.

"I was having fun!"


	3. Three Billy Goats Gruff

**Three Billy Goats Gruff**

**(Make that "Two Billy Goats and One Nanny Goat Gruff")**

Once upon a time there were three goats named Beckett, Ryan and Esposito, who wanted  
>nothing more than to have a cup of coffee. Unfortunately for them, a large and rather<br>roguish troll, named Castle, had taken up residence in their barn.

When he had first appeared in their pasture, he was more a bothersome nuisance who wandered  
>around shamelessly flirting with all the nannies; or when he wasn't flirting he was constantly<br>spouting bawdy limericks to anyone within earshot.

All the goats joined together to ignore his rudeness and he soon removed himself from their  
>pasture and ensconced himself onto the couch in their barn. Once he'd settled in, he removed<br>their old coffee pot and installed an espresso machine. The smell of dark roasted frothy  
>goodness was soon wafting from the barn and drifting out across the pasture for all the goats<br>to smell.

Ryan was the first goat to inquire after a cup. Clip clop, clip clop, his hooves reverberated on the  
>wood floor as he entered the barn.<p>

"Who is that tramping into my place?" Castle roared as he noticed the little goat approaching the  
>machine.<p>

"This is…this is the goats barn, and…and I wanted a cup of coffee." Ryan nervously replied as he  
>looked up at the towering troll.<p>

"Well, this may be _your_ barn," he sneered at Ryan. "But, this is _my_ espresso machine."

"Well then, can I have a cup of coffee or not?" Ryan asked, trying to put up a brave front.

"This isn't _just _coffee. This is a top of the line Espresso Intenso machine from Italy that creates a  
>full bodied blend of coffee with an intense flavor and well balanced aftertaste. It's like heaven in a cup.<br>For a taste of this, there must be payment."

"Payment?" Ryan gulped. "How much?"

"One cup, one goat."

"What!"

"It's easy," Castle stated coolly. "Just invite someone to come back here with you. You get 'em  
>here and I'll do the rest, it's that simple."<p>

Horrified, Ryan started backing out of the room.

"You're crazy! I could never do that!"

"Oh, you'd be surprised what you can do when you have to." Castle leaned his face into Ryan's.  
>"Do you think I was hanging out in your pasture for hell of it? I was watching. I was watching you<br>all go in and out of this barn every day; and do you know what I noticed? You goats drink an  
>average of six cups of coffee a day. How long do you think you can go without? I've seen coffee<br>withdrawals. Two more days without any and you'll be wanting to trade your first born kid for a cup."

"Damn you!" Ryan cursed as he backed away. Crossing the threshold, he stumbled back out into  
>the pasture.<p>

"Oh, Ryan." Castle flashed a smile of yellow misshapen teeth at the departing goat. "I have something  
>for you before you go; a limerick I've composed just for you."<p>

"There once was a billy named Ryan  
>To Castle the troll he came cryin'<br>He begged for a cup  
>I said "Shut the fuck up!"<br>You'll get one when someone's a dyin'."

He laughed as he watched the goat run back to his friends.

Beckett and Esposito, along with several other goats, were soon at his side asking him what had transpired.  
>When they learned there was a price for a cup of coffee, shock and fear quickly spread throughout the herd.<br>An hour later panic was starting to set in.

"I can't go back to drinking just water!" One goat cried out. "I just can't!"

"It's bad enough that the troll wants to eat us," another lamented. "But how am I supposed to stay alert  
>enough to watch for wolves without any caffeine?"<p>

Soon, drastic measures were being whispered around the herd. Two young billies were stirring up most of  
>the unrest and approached Esposito with their rumblings.<p>

"Frank's old and doesn't see well; we could take him to the troll," the larger of the two goats offered as he  
>eyed old Frank grazing on the other side of the pasture.<p>

"Yeah," the smaller goat replied. "And what about that lame kid? We could take him too."

"Enough of this talk!" Esposito chastised the pair. "No one is going to be sacrificed for a cup of coffee.  
>I'll deal with this troll."<p>

Determined, he bowed his head and trotted off towards the barn.

Clip clop, clip clop. His hooves echoed around the barn, announcing his arrival.

"Who is that tramping into my place?" Castle bellowed.

"It's Esposito." He replied, marching over to the troll lounging on their couch.

"Listen here Castle; what kind of sick twisted game are you playing at? One cup, one goat, that's just wrong."

"This isn't a game," Castle replied.

He drew himself up from the couch to stare down at the feisty goat.

"I'm a predator, you're prey. I could easily kill you where you stand. But where's the fun in that? Plus, do you  
>realize all the guilt I have to live with every time I make a kill? It wears on my conscience. This way you choose<br>who dies and I'm not responsible. It's a win, win for me."

"What kind of logic is that?" Esposito bleated.

Castle became irate at the remark.

""It's my kind of logic!" He roared into the goats face. "So deal with it!"

"You bastard!" Esposito spat as he backed away.

"You got that right." Castle glared.

Shaking his head in disbelief at what had just transpired, Esposito headed towards the door.

"Oh Esposito, one last thing before you go, I have a limerick for you."

"There once was a poor troll named Castle  
>For whom killing became such a hassle<br>So he set up his lair  
>Where he tried to be fair<br>But got nothing but shit from some asshole!"

He laughed as Esposito ran back to the safety to the herd.

"You're right, he's crazy." Esposito confirmed Ryan's earlier assessment of the troll and an audible  
>groan went up amongst the heard.<p>

"What are we going to do?" Ryan asked with a hint of panic to his voice. His question set off a flurry of replies.

"We gotta appease him!" Someone cried from the back of the crowd.

"Yeah, give him what he wants and maybe he'll leave us alone for a while!" Another voice chimed in.

"Yeah!" A chorus of agreement went up.

Suddenly the crowd parted as Beckett tramped her way forcefully through the herd. She came to a stop in  
>front of Esposito.<p>

"Enough of this talk! She glared at the goats till their rumbling quieted down.

"I'll take care of this troll once and for all. I know his weakness."

"Beckett, what are you gonna' do? He's five times bigger than you are, and you heard me, there's no reasoning  
>with him."<p>

"Oh, I'm not going to reason with him," she smiled knowingly.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Don't worry about what I'm going to do. Just get ready to drink some coffee."

That being said, she trotted off towards the barn before anyone else could protest.

She arrived at the barn minutes later and put on her most seductive strut as she crossed the threshold.

Clippity clip clop, clippity clip clop.

The sound of her hooves immediately drew Castle's attention.

"Well, hello there," he leered.

Rising from the couch, he licked his hands and tried to smooth down the coarse tufts of hair sticking out  
>from the top of his head. Beckett just rolled her eyes and waited for him to approach. When he moved in<br>close, she took a couple of steps back.

"Hey, don't go. You just got here."

He took her aversion to his offensive body odor as a sign that she was leaving.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said flatly.

"So..," he leaned in closer. "…what can I do for such a fine piece of flesh?" Drool began to slip from the corner  
>of his mouth.<p>

"You can quit insulting me for one thing." She stared at him till he began shuffling his feet under her glare.

"And the other thing?" He asked.

"I want to make a deal."

"A deal?" He laughed. In fact, he kept on laughing until he was doubled over at the waist.

"This is not funny!" Beckett had to yell over his raucous laughter. "I'm serious!"

"What…," he suppressed his laughter. "…what could you possibly offer me, aside from a goat that would  
>make me want to deal with you?"<p>

"I am offering you a goat, you fool."

"And how is that suppose to be a deal?" He queried.

"I'm offering myself."

"You? You're gonna' give yourself up for a cup of coffee? I never pegged you for being stupid."

"I'm not stupid, and the deals not for one cup, it's for unlimited cups."

Castle began laughing again. Soon, he was rolling on the floor laughing. Beckett had to look away as his  
>disgustingly dirty, green bloated belly began jiggling like a giant Jello mold. She could only wait till he<br>regained his composure.

"Sorry, I love a good laugh" he said wiping an errant tear from his eye.

"I wasn't trying to be funny," she replied tersely.

"I know," he grunted as he shifted his rotund weight around to a sitting position. "That's what made it  
>so funny."<p>

"Well, if you and your mirth are finished rolling around on the floor, I would like to tell you about the deal  
>I was offering."<p>

"If you must." He responded as he stood, looming over her. "just let me grab a cup of espresso and have  
>a seat on the couch. I want to get comfortable before I hear this."<p>

"Go ahead," she replied with a nod towards the espresso machine.

She waited while the machine whirred and hummed, swished and foamed, and she watched as he sank deeply,  
>with cup in hand, into the straining couch.<p>

"Proceed," he nodded in return.

"First of all, I would like to start off by commending you on your powers of observation. The way you  
>watched us and learned our weakness was very astute."<p>

He lifted his cup and gave her another nod.

"But, you aren't the only one who's been watching. You see, I've been watching you, and do you want to  
>know what I've noticed?"<p>

He stopped mid sip, looking hesitant with the cup poised at his lips, but he didn't speak.

"I've noticed you watching me."

She watched some more as he gulped dryly and brought the cup from his lips down to his lap.

"No I haven't." His voice wavered with a lack of confidence in his reply.

"Pleeease! What about that time I was bathing down by the river's edge? I saw you watching me  
>from downstream."<p>

"No I wasn't!" He protested.

"So, you meant to trip over that rock and faceplant yourself into the river?"

He squirmed under her glare.

"That was just an accident,"

"Well then, how about the time you faceplanted yourself into the barn door when I went frolicking by?"

"I…"

"Or, how about the time…"

"Ok, enough! Fine! I've been watching you, so what?"

"Do you remember the first day you came to the pasture? How you flirted with all the nannies?  
>How you flirted with me?"<p>

"I remember how you turned me down and then cruelly teased me before you trotted away." He  
>brought his cup back to his lips and emptied its contents.<p>

"Well, I'm ready to accept your offer."

Spuuurrt! He spit out his coffee before he choked on it.

"What…," he coughed a few times, "…what did you just say?"

"I said, I'll accept your lewd and somewhat inappropriate offer in exchange for unlimited access to  
>the espresso machine."<p>

"Wow, I didn't see that one coming," he mumbled to himself, but still loud enough for her to hear.

"If you never expected one of us to accept, why were you flirting with us?"

"Uh…I was doing research."

"Research? Research for what?

"A story that I was going to write."

"You write?"

"Hey there's more to me than meets the eye. I'll have you know, I am a published author."

"You mean to tell me you've written a book?"

"Well, no…"

"Hah!"

"Not a book. My writings have been published in magazines."

"In what magazine, Bridge and Tunnel?"

"No, that's for ladies; I've been published in several upscale men's magazines."

"You write for TQ?"

"No."

"Gigantium?"

"No, if you must know I've been published in Trollboy and Trollhouse."

"Do they _pay_ you for your stories?"

"Well…"

"What, are you telling me that you send submissions in to the reader's forum?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

It was her turn to laugh.

So," she snorted. "This writing career of yours consists of making up porn and submitting it to men's magazines?"

Her last comment stung and his face reddened with anger. He leaned in close and she could smell his fetid breath  
>before he stopped inches from her ear.<p>

"I never, ever make anything up. I only write what I know, and do you know what? I'm ready to know you."

In one quick motion he snatched her up and headed towards the couch.

"Wait, wait!" She pleaded as she struggled in his grasp.

"Wait for what? You made the deal and now I'm accepting."

"I'm not backing out of the deal. I just think we should do this somewhere where we won't be interrupted."

"Where did you have in mind?" He asked still holding her firmly in his grasp.

She looked up. "The loft."

"What! It's a good three stories to the loft. You expect me to carry you all the way up there just for a roll  
>in the hay?"<p>

"No, you won't have to carry me. There's a manual lift for raising hay to the loft. You can send me up in that  
>and then you can climb up."<p>

"Pttht! That's too much work."

"You've never been up in the loft, have you? It's my favorite place in the barn. It's quiet. The best hay is stored  
>there, and when you open the loft doors at both ends the breeze and the view is just amazing."<p>

He wasn't convinced so she tried a different angle.

"Do you want the setting for your next story to be on some ratty broken down couch, or would you rather it be  
>in a hay loft with a picturesque view?"<p>

She felt his grip loosen. She had him.

"Well?' She asked, still waiting for his reply.

A devilish grin spread across his face before he replied with a limerick.

"There once was a writer named Castle  
>Who caught him a fine tasty morsel<br>So much for the eats  
>Just give me them teats<br>Let's head for the loft and we'll tussle."

She just rolled her eyes as he carried her to the lift. He quickly cranked her to the loft, and then he hurriedly  
>climbed up the ladders to join her. By the time he arrived, she had the doors thrown open and was admiring<br>the view of the rolling hills and broad forests that underscored a gorgeous sunset.

"Wow," he said as he stood by her side. "You weren't lying about the view from here, it's fantastic."

"Where do you normally live? Can you see it from up here?" She asked, trying to keep him distracted.

"I live under a bridge a few miles from here; let me see if I can find it."

He put his hand up to his brow to block the glare cast by the sunset as he scanned the horizon.

"Would you like to hear a limerick that I've written just for you?" She asked.

"You've written me a limerick? This I gotta' hear," he looked down at her and waited.

She turned from him and headed back into the middle of the loft.

"Give me a second will ya? I'm not as good at making them up as you are."

"Take your time. We've got all night, besides; I'm still looking for my bridge."

He turned his attention back to the horizon.

She paced a little more, gradually increasing her distance from him. When she was far enough away she spoke.

"There once was a nanny named Beckett  
>Who lured a poor troll to the attic<br>She showed him the view  
>And he hadn't a clue<br>That he'd fall to his death with a racket!"

"Huh?" Castle replied as he turned around.

He was surprised to find Beckett running at a full gallop towards him. He was even more surprised when she head  
>butted him in his gut and sent him hurtling out of the loft. His scream echoed for miles; long after his body had<br>impacted the ground with a heavy thud. She waited for the dust to settle and stared down satisfactorily at the  
>broken body below. Her reverie was soon interrupted by the clatter of hooves and voices yelling inside the barn.<p>

"Beckett! Beckett! Where are you?" Esposito was yelling the loudest for her.

"Beckett!" Ryan joined in.

"Hey guys, I'm up here!" She called down.

"What are you doing in the loft?" Esposito hollered back.

"I'm admiring the view!"

* * *

><p><em>Can you spot all the Castle episode references in this story ?<em>


	4. Mary Had a Little Lamb

_The two poems are written as comparison. I tried to post them next to one another for easier viewing  
>but this stupid fanfic program won't let me. If someone knows a way around it, let me know. Thanks! <em>

* * *

><p><strong>Mary Had a Little Lamb<strong>

Mary had a little lamb,  
>whose fleece was white as snow.<p>

And everywhere that Mary went,  
>the lamb was sure to go.<p>

It followed her to school one day,  
>which was against the rules.<p>

It made the children laugh and play,  
>to see the lamb at school.<p>

And so the teacher turned it out,  
>but still it lingered near.<p>

And waited patiently about,  
>till Mary did appear.<p>

"Why does the lamb love Mary so?"  
>the eager children cry.<p>

"Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know,"  
>the teacher did reply.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Beckett Had a Little Lamb<strong>

Beckett had a little lamb,  
>who followed her to and fro.<p>

And everywhere that Beckett went,  
>he lamb was sure to go.<p>

It showed up at her home one day,  
>which was against her rules.<p>

It made Beckett laugh and play,  
>to see the lamb a fool.<p>

More than once she turned it out,  
>but still it lingered near.<p>

And waited patiently about,  
>for Beckett to appear.<p>

"Why does the lamb love Beckett so?"  
>mother and daughter cry.<p>

"Why Beckett loves the lamb, you know,"  
>the Captain did reply.<p> 


End file.
